Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Just in case you ever need to know.

Today, I discovered how to completely offend a 3 year old boy.

Scene set.

Stage: Our house

Time: 7:32 AM

Actors: Javin and Julie. Side giggles from the girls.

Plot: Time to leave to take the girls to school.

And click of the whatcha~dos~it.

Javin sits on the couch inhaling his second cereal bar.

Julie: Come on baby, it's time to take your sisters to school.

Javin: Hops up off the couch, comes over to his mommy, chest puffed out, a bit red in the face and declares.


I is a BIG BOY!!!

I go potty in da baffroom and I no pee in my bed. While he wildly gestures his fat little "hinger" towards his room and the bathroom.

I has big boy cups not BE BE ONES!

AND, and, and, I is NOT a BEBE!!

You is BEBE!!

Julie: Sighs and mentally thanks the girls for teaching him that one.

Julie: Hey, calm down Javin!!!! I didn't mean that YOU are a baby, it's like sweetheart or sugar or honey and My name is Mommy!

Javin: I know, you mommy, me JaBin, NOT bebe.

Julie: Sorry honey, I didn't mean it the way you thought.

Javin: S ok mommy, you no call me bebe, I no call you bebe.

Julie: Ok, we're late, let's go.

Oh, the joys of being the mother of a strong willed 3 year old boy with man pride.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Conversations with the littles.

Javin after he first got talking fairly well.

Javin: MOMMYYYYY, I haz coookie.

Me: No baby, it's 9 am, you can't have a cookie.

Javin: but I wants coooookie!!!!!

Me: Sorry dude, no cookie.

Javin: You're a me me.

ME: What?

Javin: You're a ME ME.

Me: I'm a what?

Javin: a ME ME!!!!!

Me: Did you just call me a meanie?

Javin: huh huh *his version of uh huh*

Me: Well that might be true but you still aren't getting a cookie.

Javin: as he walks a way under his breath.....me me.

Me and the girls in the truck on the way home from the grocery store, radio is on, Lady Gaga comes on.

Jade: I want to take a ride on a disco stick too.

Vivie: What's a disco stick?

Jade: You know, they have them at parades and they are silver they twirl them around.

I FINALLY got my voice back.

Me: No Jadey, that's a baton.

Jade: Oh, well then what's a disco stick?

Me: ummmmm she made the word up.

Jade: Well what does it stand for?

Me: LOOK Fire Truck!!! As I swore I would only listen to country music in the truck from now on.

Me and the girls at the grocery store again.

Most of you know Vivie is TINY, she is 6 years old still wearing a 4T and weighs in at a whopping 37 lbs. Javin weighs more than she does at this point.

I set her in the cart, I put my purse next to her.

Me: Viv, do mommy a favor and if anyone tries to take my purse yell, really loud, Ok?

Vivie: No mommy, if someone tries to take your purse, I'll just punch dem in da eye!!!!

Me: Well, alrighty then!

October 16, 2009 AKA the day I was not supposed to nap.

We are going to have to back up a bit. For those that don't know, I am tending bar at a martini bar on the weekends. Normally on Thursday night I leave at around 11 or 12 and make it home with enough time to get a decent amount of sleep. Our other bartender was out of town so I had to cover both our shifts.

So I roll in the door at 3 am after a 10.5 hour shift, RUN for bed, flop down and grab about 3 hours of sleep. Get up and slam a 5 hour energy drink, grab a cup of coffee and get the girls off to school.

The Jav man and I had errands, which took most of the day by 1:30 my 5 hours of energy were up and then some,I really can't complain I got more than my 5 hours worth. At this point I had not one but two "situations" with people at the grocery store.

The lady behind me in line was convinced Fluffy was going to choke on a diced up apple that came in a kids meal. She kept inching towards him and fluttering around asking me if I was SURE it was safe over and over. I probably should have said. Don't worry, he's 3 and obviously eats like a pro! I mean come on, we don't call him fluffy for nothing.
Instead I smiled and said don't worry, if he does, I'll sue.
Yes, I was feeling a bit cranky.
Yes, she went to a different line.

Next comes the cashier that was seriously eating up my half hour I had before picking up the girls. I just smiled at her, she kept talking and I kept smiling, figured that was my fastest out. After the longest check out EVER.
She checked my ID, I'm 33 but OK.
She asked me if I purchased every s.i.n.g.l.e thing I had a coupon for...Yes, yes I did.
She ask how tall Fluffy was a year and a half ago. I'm a bad mom, I don't remember.
She told me her son was only 5 foot 4.
Hey, short people rock! Did she not take a look at me?
She talked to Fluffy for awhile, she couldn't understand him, we were in the clear.
I kept smiling. :) FINALLY we escaped the grocery store. Grab the girls and get home.

Here is where the actual "Title" of the post comes in. I just wanted you to get where I was coming from so, I thought I catch ya up.

Joey, who is a phenomenon that has somehow learned to live on 5 hours of sleep a night. Looks at me and says. You look really pissy and you have big bags under your eyes, you're getting those lines in between your eyebrows.....why do you look so mad?

I stare at him, he would probably say glare. Meanwhile I'm thinking.

WELL. Hello to you too sugar face! How was your day?.....did he just??? No, no he's smarter than that, but he actually DID say that. I wonder what the Sam hell he could have possibly been thinking to look at me and say that and NOT expect me to want to hurt him.

Then with his next breath, he saved his own life. Baby, go to sleep. I've got the kids. This is certainly not the time to argue with the man when he's speaking such logic.

Oh, sweet blissful nap.....that I waited for what feels like forever for....I climbed into bed, I laid down knowing I had 2.5 hours before I had to get ready for work.
Now THAT is a nap worth taking. I'm not a 30 minute power nap kinda gal. Those that know me well, know I LOVE my sleep.

I am relaxing, so very close to drifting off and then I hear it......

The noise that will completely RUIN my little slice of heaven on earth buzzzzzzz.....buuuuzzzzzzzz. You guessed it, I live in South Texas, it's BLEEP WORD mosquito.
I swat, I miss, I pick up a magazine, I swat again, I miss again and then it vanishes into thin air.

I think a REALLY bad word then oh, ignore it, no biggie.

I feel the need to interject here and tell you that a ST mosquito is no normal run of the mill kind of insect, I'm fairly certain if you ran into three or more of them they could pick you up, carry you off and suck you dry. They are SCARY! Kinda like Vampire Mosquitoes, if there were such a thing and they ALWAYS find you.

Then I think.
It will bite me while I'm sleeping, over and over and over again. I'll look like a red swollen pin cushion when I go to work, itching like crazy.

I sigh, loudly and dramatically, haul my butt BACK out of bed and go tracking.

15 very long and frustrating minutes later............

Apparently, I suck at this. Cause I can't find that lil bastard ANYWHERE!

Some of you might say wait, he'll come to you. While that is sound advice, I'm not good at waiting, ever, especially when I'm tired. Besides with my luck, I'll fall asleep while waiting and get eaten by him and his buddies.

I get back in bed, giving up, swearing I'm not getting back up unless it is the second coming.

I think, no worries as I throw the sheet over me, it's a bit warmer in the house b/c it cooled off outside and the a/c isn't running as often. I decide that I can live with the sheet.

I'm about to drift off, again.

WAIT, they can bite you through your clothes why not the sheet? But it's kinda warm already.

I bellow...... really I let it all out, for Joey to turn the a/c up.

He has no idea I'm angry with a vampire mosquito b/c I can't track it much less find it to send it to the 9th level of hell where it deserves to be. All he knows is that I'm tired and I'm yelling, that's all he needs to know to go fix it. Good man right there.

A/c kicks on and I think...HERE WE GO BABY!!! Nap time FREAKIN FINALLY.

No wait, I have to cover my head.

Grab his pillow throw it over my face.

I can't breathe.

Turn on my side.

Still can't breathe.

Scoot pillow over, stick face out the end.

Ahhhhh AIR..............Shit, they track us by Carbon dioxide, you have to cover your whole face.

But I can't BREATHHHEEEE, I whine to myself.

CHOOSE Chicka, breathing or pin cushion itchy face.

I stuffed myself into a ball in the middle of our bed covered up with the sheet, the comforter and 2 pillows, it took me blasted FOREVER to fall asleep, I'm not even sure I did.

Joey comes to get me up at our scheduled time.

Instead of finding normal Julie that he has to wake up 3 times.

He finds still extremely crabby Julie that throws the covers off and goes stomping into the bathroom, muttering about how much I hate this place and damn bugs and that this is #962 on the list of reasons I don't want to live here anymore and magically somehow this all turns into being HIS fault b/c HIS job is what keeps us here.

He just rubbed my back, kissed me on top of the head and walked away.

Irrational without proper sleep. Me?......Why would you think that?